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"I think cumpig gives homosexuals a bad name."
17 February 2010 @ 01:50 am
Okay so, for the longest time my dog has been sick and my parents keep deciding against putting him down even though he is shitting on the carpet, doesn't eat properly and looks like one of those starving children in the Sally Struthers commercials with the flies all over their face. My dad is taking care of him primarily, and I cover doggy duty (no pun intended) when he's at VA meetings or doing other things. I feel like we're being really selfish by keeping him alive, and I've said goodbye to him like a million times. It just feels unfair to everyone in the family to keep him alive when he can't see, can't walk straight, can't eat properly and only shows moderate signs of positive change every 10 or so days. Then he has another 10 days of weakness.

All of that aside, today was a really trying day. I went to David's on Monday evening, knowing that I had a meeting with my therapist at 2pm today. Last night I had a couple of glasses of vodka and cranberry. Not enough to get me drunk, but enough to give me a good buzz. The only problem is that I had taken an antibiotic hours before consuming the alcohol, which left me rather sick. I was puking and crapping until 3 in the morning, and was woken up around 8 by Fritz, David's German Shepherd peeing on the guest room rug. I woke up, let him out, and felt really nauseous. The bed was spinning and all of that nonsense, so I stayed up and tried to force myself to eat breakfast.

After David got up and we looked at the snow situation outside I decided to cancel my appointment with my therapist, even though I REALLY need to speak to him because a lot is going on in my head at the moment. But I took the bullet and just cancelled in favor of David's dog Fritz going to the vet. He's been sick since Sunday -- Skin bumps, runny nose, ear infection, vomiting, being non-responsive and non Fritz-y. You name it, he had it. So I was worried about him and offered to ride with him in the back seat when David took him to the vet.

David's vet is a hippie. Like, an actual hippie. I wouldn't be surprised if he goes home, gets stoned and listens to the Grateful Dead. But he is nice, and whatever he gave Fritz seemed to help him a lot. By the end of the day he was following me around the house like he normally does when I'm there (I call Fritz and Baxter, a tiny Jack Russel, my groupies).

I was really happy. Then David mentioned that his dad had an appointment around 2pm and asked if I could just stay and watch Fritz, to make sure that everything remains okay. I agreed, David left...just me and the dogs. Everything went fine. I ate an Amy's pizza and watched episode one of Ru Paul's Drag Race. Then David came home...

I knew something was wrong when he didn't come back after 2 hours like he had promised he would. Apparently his father was diagnosed with stage 4 Lymphoma. He's in his late 80's and already has a failing heart and liver problems, now he has to undergo chemo therapy. Granted, it is light chemo...but it will probably do very little to prolong his life. The doctor gave him a really short life expectancy after draining black fluids from his body.

So David came home in a really depressed mood, and I felt the need to do something. The only problem is I don't know how to be there for someone in this kind of situation. Not entirely. I mean, what can you even say to someone in that kind of situation? Everything sounds completely stupid and insufficient. I hugged him and told him that I was sorry, that's all I felt I could do.

Then we sat in silence as we played on our laptops. I decided that I was going to put some music on lightely to break the silence, and Mary Moor came up in my last.fm seach. I've heard her song "Pretty Day" before, but i forgot the actual content of the song. I flipped the Macbook shut when she digressed from her French lyrics into a chorus of "It's a pretty day to die, my blue eyes and your black eyes." I felt the need to apologize, but I didn't because I knew that would make the situation even more awkward than it already was.

Anyway, I agreed to dog sit for David on Thursday while he sleeps at the hospital with his dad. He is picking me up tomorrow evening and I'll be up there once again, secluded from the real world. This time it is only for one night, though. I think my brain can handle that. What I'm having trouble dealing with is the fact that I have to take a train to NYC tomorrow to see Professor Roden about the research I am helping him with...which will make my schedule very tight. I'll have to go to NYC, get a fast train home, shower, change and get ready for David's house. I hope that sometime during that very long ass day I will find the strength to pull it together for David, because he needs a good friend and that is what I want to be.

So basically, death is surrounding me in so many different ways right now and I'm going crazy. Time for a big dose of Unisom and a much needed 8 hours of sleep. Sorry for the "tl;dr" post. I just needed to vent.
"I think cumpig gives homosexuals a bad name."
11 February 2010 @ 11:34 pm
I've been spending a lot of time with David lately. I see him 2-3 times a week, spend weekends, etc. He's been really good to me, but lately things have changed a bit. Originally he had planned a trip to Aiken, SC for hunt week. He invited me to go, and I told him I'd think about it and let him know before he had to purchase the tickets. The night before he went to purchase the tickets he texted me and asked if I wanted to dog sit for him while he went out to Aiken. I was a little taken aback, because I had already decided that I wanted to go with him, since he had extended the invitation and I haven't been out of Connecticut/NYC since I was in middle school. I reluctantly agreed to take care of his dogs for 30 dollars a day.

During those six days of seclusion in middle of nowhere North Stamford I fought flu-like symptoms. I had to walk 2 miles in the freezing cold, with a fever, to buy my own cold medicine because he doesn't believe in OTC cold medicine. I was lonely as hell, and the only thing that I had to look forward to was a call from David, which only came once. Danny once, and my mom called every evening...but David only called once. I felt abandoned, lonely and depressed. I got drunk every night I was there. The dogs were the only ones keeping me company.

When he returned I asked him what his plans were for Valentine's Day, since I've never had a Valentine. He told me he had already made plans with a female friend to go to Vox, a club in Bedford, and that she was his Valentine. I feel like I'm not being acknowledged in any kind of romantic sense, even though he said "I love you" one night when he was drunk. Sometimes people actually mean things when they are drunk. Things they wouldn't say when sober. Other times they just talk nonsense. I don't know how he really feels about me, but I'm upset.

I'm home now, but I still feel the seclusion I felt when I was in North Stamford all by myself. I probably won't see David again for a while, because his father was diagnosed with blood cancer, and he was already having heart problems. His life is dwindling down and I see that taking a toll on David. I just want to hug him and be there for him, but I know that what I have to offer isn't exactly what he wants. I just want to be there for my own selfish reasons -- to hug him, to feel like I can help him, to show him that I care.

I don't know, this is all too much for me. I wish I were drunk right now.
"I think cumpig gives homosexuals a bad name."
25 December 2009 @ 11:39 am
Merry Christmas, everyone! I just woke up from a really really weird sex dream that I have to type up or I'll never get over the trauma.

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Merry Christmas, everyone! I just woke up from a really really weird sex dream that I have to type up or I'll never get over the trauma.

<center><lj-cut="My Dream"></center>
I was a stage manager for a celebrity talent show. I was unpacking boxes and saw that there were 2 sets of lego playsets that had the eiffel tower in them. I kept getting the two sets mixed up, so I looked at my list and saw that one of the sets belonged to Alyssa Milano, and that she was doing some dramatic reenactment of the French Civil War using lego people. So basically I went up to her and I said "Which set is yours? I'm really confused because there are two Paris lego scene sets." She just looked at me like she was hurt and offended that i insinuated that she isn't original, and started explaining that <i>her</i> dramatic reenactment was going to be much better than Natalie Portman's performance because it has historical relevance.

As we were having this conversation I looked over on the stage and saw that Marilyn Monroe was having a wardrobe malfunction. Her dress kept flying up because there was a gust of wind behind the stage curtains. I went back stage to find the source of the wind, and it was a semi-flaccid penis spewing toxic air. Naturally, the only way that I could think of to fix the situation was to redirect the flow of the air...by giving the penis-pipe a handjob. When i finally got it erect, I was shocked to see that the pipe was about 8 inches long, and really thick.

Then i heard a tap at the bottom of the stage. It sounded like someone's hand. A voice came through the floor boards and said, "Sit on it!" I just stared at the floor boards, and finally said, "Ew, no. You were just spewing toxic gas." But I was really horny, so I decided to go find a place to jerk off.

I went out the backstage door, hoping to find an alleyway to jerk off in before the show started. Instead, the door lead to a row of hotel rooms. The first door on the right was ajar, so I opened it. The Jonas Brothers stared back at me. Joe Jonas kept looking me up and down, like he wanted to fuck me. "Ew!" I slammed the door and went further down the hall, looking for an empty room. I finally found one, and went into the bathroom to start jerking off, but some people came in.

I can't remember the rest of the dream, but My God. That is the first sex dream I've had that didn't involve me waking up and catching a load of cum in my hands before it spilled on the sheets. I wasn't even erect...
"I think cumpig gives homosexuals a bad name."
15 December 2009 @ 09:34 am
I just got back from having my cement retainer reglued. I hadn't seen Dr. Repicci in probably 5 years now, and he's always been really nice to me. He never charged my mother a dime for any of the dental work he's done on me, including the monthly check-ups on my braces, the retainer fittings, the retainer replacements, and the cement retainer glue renewals. in general, he's a pretty decent guy.

After he renewed my glue we started talking about school, English literature and my plans for the future. I told him I'm a research assistant for the time being, to build up my resume, and started explaining my overall duties and the topic, which is basically sexological queer studies. He didn't realize "queer" was an acceptable term and asked me if I thought homosexuality was an abnormality. I told him it was not and he said he'd like to challenge my view. In my head I turned into mo'nique -- "Oh Hell No!" He basicalky said that homosexuality is an entirely acceptable abnormality, and is only an abnormality because homosexuality doesn't lead to procreation. I folded because I didn't want to argue a point that, for me, could end in blood shed and me paying for dental work that my insurance won't cover. So I'm going to vent here with a few points.

-The point of life is not procreation, the earth doesn't care if humanity sees tomorrow. Humanity is a plague that has destroyed the earth and erased entire species. Frankly, I think that encouraging procreation has done more harm than good, especially if you consider things like over population and suburban sprawl. In the end, procreation will probably contribute to what destroys us all.

-Women are not uteruses, and men are not sperm donors. Please stop reducing humanity to a single function. There are heterosexual men and women who choose not to procreate, and there are also men and women who physically cannot. Does this make them abnormal? No. Does that make them less human? No. That just makes them incapable of attributing to an already excessive population.

- If queers are not considered normal, we are certainly exceptional. We challenge traditional gender roles and escape the oppressive laws placed onto wo/man by "God", the government, and heteronormative society. By doing so we encourage people to embrace themselves as they are instead of blindly following established ideals of normality. We are, in fact, redefining what it is to be normal by simply existing.

Why are most Doctors so damn conservative in their views?
"I think cumpig gives homosexuals a bad name."
"It really does exist. That scary skank black pnp bear on the upper west side. That strange troll on East 83rd Street who posts constantly in pidgin English. The throat fucker who wants to brutalize you with his rutabaga penis. That muscular Italian cum dump guy whose innards must look like a semen smoothie. All the fantasists with Pinocchio dick: it gets bigger the more you lie. Don't you feel like you know them by now? Who needs Stonewall when you have Craig and his magical List?"
"I think cumpig gives homosexuals a bad name."
03 May 2009 @ 12:39 am
went to the career center and came up with a short term plan that i'm going to really have to push myself to go through with, because i'm very depressed and lonely at the moment. i'm going to try and volunteer for the time being at hospitals and the red cross, alongside some shitty part-time job that i'll hate and will give me just enough money to get into the city on my days off. i want to try volunteering at a LGBTQ center in the city, because i'll never meet other gay men unless i put myself out there. and i want to meet gay men, fall in love, and be part of a community. so, i've been trying to stay positive about my situation, even though i'm inclined to self-destruct when life throws shit in my face. it isn't easy, but i've been fighting myself for the past week and it got me to at least create a plan of action. i'm still not sure what i want to do "when i grow up", but i'm beginning to realize that no one is entirely content with their jobs. they just do them for money, and because that is what people are supposed to do.

in other news, i might meet up with this guy from stamford (met him via manhunt.com) for some Gay Sex on monday. if i die of AIDS 8 years from now, well...that's just a fringe benefit. in all honesty, i'm really afraid of the whole situation. i created a personal on craigslist earlier in the week, seeking out a guy that might want to have some NSA oral sex. a couple guys replied, but mostly from the city. the closest guy was a 55 year old from white plains new york. he wanted to meet up, take me back to his place, and fuck my face. i had everything just about set up, but then i got sick to my stomach and started vomiting. since then, i've created profiles on 2 major cruising websites. i'm obsessed with the idea of sex to the point where i've lost track of who i am as a person. i'm looking to lose myself in some random, possibly dangerous situation because my sense of control is too strong for me to function properly.

thedigitalpunk: Im not really saying you HAVE TO get laid, but you need to take a huge step just so you can get some realistic perspective on things
thedigitalpunk: and I tell you what, life is ALL about making mistakes...
thedigitalpunk: you make a mistake and you grow

i think this all boils down to the fact that i am lonely and desparate for affection. i want to remedy my feelings so i'm taking two separate routes to achieving that goal. i'm not sure which will kill me first...we'll see.
"I think cumpig gives homosexuals a bad name."
06 February 2009 @ 03:57 am
i still have no job, no social security card, and i've done absolutely nothing about it. instead, i've spend countless hours playing animal crossing over wifi, to the point where i don't even sign on to check my emails anymore. most people probably think i'm Dead...

i have a crush on this guy sam that i game with. he's from the UK and he's really sweet. i think everyone should have UK accents, because they're just Nice to have. but i hate having crushes because most of the time (read: all of the time in my case) they never amount to anything but day dreaming. i mean, what the hell am i supposed to do with someone who lives overseas? move to the UK? i thought the same thing with danny: it would be great to move to a foreign country and have a boyfriend...but it isn't exactly realistic. i don't even like the idea of moving a couple miles away from home, because the responsibility is overwhelming. it would be pretty cool to visit, though...if i could gather myself mentally and get a job.

ugh, i'm going to die an old virgin, living with my mother and alcoholic father. idk why i'm not more of a danger to myself...
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
"I think cumpig gives homosexuals a bad name."
20 December 2008 @ 10:08 pm
if you're looking for something interesting to read, head over to alice bag's blog. she's was the singer of the bags. i've posted entries from her blog here before, but there is one in particular that i think everyone who calls themselves a fan of the LA punk scene should read: diary of a bad housewife: conversations with bobby (aka darby crash).

first of all, i would like to say that i thought what we do is secret was a fucking terrible movie. really awful. i sort of can't believe that the germs backed that horrible piece of crap film. it just failed to grab me on any emotional level, and i felt that while his sexuality was obviously addressed, it was entirely understated to the point where they might as well have just left it out of the film altogether. i was hoping to get more insight into darby crash's life and theory, but instead i was offered a series of anecdotes about how the germs are ~fascists lol~. the film just lacked any sort of depth or intellectual skeleton, so it came out as a loose blob of dumb-surface Dog Shit.

so yeah, i'd definitely recommend taking 15 minutes to read alice's bag's blog about darby, rather than seeing that film. save your money and buy something meaningful.

so yeah, i don't agree with a lot of what darby had to say about humans needing leadership and how good leadership didn't necessarily go hand-in-hand with moral responsibility. i mean, i guess i partially agree with the points he made about morality being a social construct, but at the same time i don't feel like hitler was a "good leader" despite his lack of common decency. to me, that completely excuses his actions as a "leader". i've always said that, yes, hitler thought that what he was doing was noble, and therefore he was good within his narrow little world -- but once he began forcing his ideas onto others he lost the (very slight) sense of "dreamer" innocence that he originally possessed.

but i suppose it is easy to argue the points of a dead man who can't defend himself. i doubt i could tolerate darby crash, just like i probably couldn't tolerate genesis p-orridge for more than a couple hours. cult leaders fascinate me, but i have no particular desire to be near them, or follow them. i'm not looking for a leader.
Current Music: x-ray spex: i am a poseur
"I think cumpig gives homosexuals a bad name."
12 December 2008 @ 09:28 pm
well, i haven't updated in a while. i guess i just don't have much of a desire to document my life on the internet anymore.

i graduated college today. i went from "yay free!!!" to "oh no" in a matter of minutes. most people go to college so they can get the shit over with and just get on with their lives. they think that life begins after they graduate. i kind of look at it the other way around.

i'm dead, you guys! and the economy sucks, so i'm dead and without a well paying job. oh no!
Current Music: thursday: cross out the eyes (lol)