Merry Christmas, everyone! I just woke up from a really really weird sex dream that I have to type up or I'll never get over the trauma.

I just got back from having my cement retainer reglued. I hadn't seen Dr. Repicci in probably 5 years now, and he's always been really nice to me. He never charged my mother a dime for any of the dental work he's done on me, including the monthly check-ups on my braces, the retainer fittings, the retainer replacements, and the cement retainer glue renewals. in general, he's a pretty decent guy.

After he renewed my glue we started talking about school, English literature and my plans for the future. I told him I'm a research assistant for the time being, to build up my resume, and started explaining my overall duties and the topic, which is basically sexological queer studies. He didn't realize "queer" was an acceptable term and asked me if I thought homosexuality was an abnormality. I told him it was not and he said he'd like to challenge my view. In my head I turned into mo'nique -- "Oh Hell No!" He basicalky said that homosexuality is an entirely acceptable abnormality, and is only an abnormality because homosexuality doesn't lead to procreation. I folded because I didn't want to argue a point that, for me, could end in blood shed and me paying for dental work that my insurance won't cover. So I'm going to vent here with a few points.

-The point of life is not procreation, the earth doesn't care if humanity sees tomorrow. Humanity is a plague that has destroyed the earth and erased entire species. Frankly, I think that encouraging procreation has done more harm than good, especially if you consider things like over population and suburban sprawl. In the end, procreation will probably contribute to what destroys us all.

-Women are not uteruses, and men are not sperm donors. Please stop reducing humanity to a single function. There are heterosexual men and women who choose not to procreate, and there are also men and women who physically cannot. Does this make them abnormal? No. Does that make them less human? No. That just makes them incapable of attributing to an already excessive population.

- If queers are not considered normal, we are certainly exceptional. We challenge traditional gender roles and escape the oppressive laws placed onto wo/man by "God", the government, and heteronormative society. By doing so we encourage people to embrace themselves as they are instead of blindly following established ideals of normality. We are, in fact, redefining what it is to be normal by simply existing.

Why are most Doctors so damn conservative in their views?

"It really does exist. That scary skank black pnp bear on the upper west side. That strange troll on East 83rd Street who posts constantly in pidgin English. The throat fucker who wants to brutalize you with his rutabaga penis. That muscular Italian cum dump guy whose innards must look like a semen smoothie. All the fantasists with Pinocchio dick: it gets bigger the more you lie. Don't you feel like you know them by now? Who needs Stonewall when you have Craig and his magical List?"

went to the career center and came up with a short term plan that i'm going to really have to push myself to go through with, because i'm very depressed and lonely at the moment. i'm going to try and volunteer for the time being at hospitals and the red cross, alongside some shitty part-time job that i'll hate and will give me just enough money to get into the city on my days off. i want to try volunteering at a LGBTQ center in the city, because i'll never meet other gay men unless i put myself out there. and i want to meet gay men, fall in love, and be part of a community. so, i've been trying to stay positive about my situation, even though i'm inclined to self-destruct when life throws shit in my face. it isn't easy, but i've been fighting myself for the past week and it got me to at least create a plan of action. i'm still not sure what i want to do "when i grow up", but i'm beginning to realize that no one is entirely content with their jobs. they just do them for money, and because that is what people are supposed to do.

in other news, i might meet up with this guy from stamford (met him via manhunt.com) for some Gay Sex on monday. if i die of AIDS 8 years from now, well...that's just a fringe benefit. in all honesty, i'm really afraid of the whole situation. i created a personal on craigslist earlier in the week, seeking out a guy that might want to have some NSA oral sex. a couple guys replied, but mostly from the city. the closest guy was a 55 year old from white plains new york. he wanted to meet up, take me back to his place, and fuck my face. i had everything just about set up, but then i got sick to my stomach and started vomiting. since then, i've created profiles on 2 major cruising websites. i'm obsessed with the idea of sex to the point where i've lost track of who i am as a person. i'm looking to lose myself in some random, possibly dangerous situation because my sense of control is too strong for me to function properly.

thedigitalpunk: Im not really saying you HAVE TO get laid, but you need to take a huge step just so you can get some realistic perspective on things
thedigitalpunk: and I tell you what, life is ALL about making mistakes...
thedigitalpunk: you make a mistake and you grow

i think this all boils down to the fact that i am lonely and desparate for affection. i want to remedy my feelings so i'm taking two separate routes to achieving that goal. i'm not sure which will kill me first...we'll see.

i still have no job, no social security card, and i've done absolutely nothing about it. instead, i've spend countless hours playing animal crossing over wifi, to the point where i don't even sign on to check my emails anymore. most people probably think i'm Dead...

i have a crush on this guy sam that i game with. he's from the UK and he's really sweet. i think everyone should have UK accents, because they're just Nice to have. but i hate having crushes because most of the time (read: all of the time in my case) they never amount to anything but day dreaming. i mean, what the hell am i supposed to do with someone who lives overseas? move to the UK? i thought the same thing with danny: it would be great to move to a foreign country and have a boyfriend...but it isn't exactly realistic. i don't even like the idea of moving a couple miles away from home, because the responsibility is overwhelming. it would be pretty cool to visit, though...if i could gather myself mentally and get a job.

ugh, i'm going to die an old virgin, living with my mother and alcoholic father. idk why i'm not more of a danger to myself...

if you're looking for something interesting to read, head over to alice bag's blog. she's was the singer of the bags. i've posted entries from her blog here before, but there is one in particular that i think everyone who calls themselves a fan of the LA punk scene should read: diary of a bad housewife: conversations with bobby (aka darby crash).

first of all, i would like to say that i thought what we do is secret was a fucking terrible movie. really awful. i sort of can't believe that the germs backed that horrible piece of crap film. it just failed to grab me on any emotional level, and i felt that while his sexuality was obviously addressed, it was entirely understated to the point where they might as well have just left it out of the film altogether. i was hoping to get more insight into darby crash's life and theory, but instead i was offered a series of anecdotes about how the germs are ~fascists lol~. the film just lacked any sort of depth or intellectual skeleton, so it came out as a loose blob of dumb-surface Dog Shit.

so yeah, i'd definitely recommend taking 15 minutes to read alice's bag's blog about darby, rather than seeing that film. save your money and buy something meaningful.

so yeah, i don't agree with a lot of what darby had to say about humans needing leadership and how good leadership didn't necessarily go hand-in-hand with moral responsibility. i mean, i guess i partially agree with the points he made about morality being a social construct, but at the same time i don't feel like hitler was a "good leader" despite his lack of common decency. to me, that completely excuses his actions as a "leader". i've always said that, yes, hitler thought that what he was doing was noble, and therefore he was good within his narrow little world -- but once he began forcing his ideas onto others he lost the (very slight) sense of "dreamer" innocence that he originally possessed.

but i suppose it is easy to argue the points of a dead man who can't defend himself. i doubt i could tolerate darby crash, just like i probably couldn't tolerate genesis p-orridge for more than a couple hours. cult leaders fascinate me, but i have no particular desire to be near them, or follow them. i'm not looking for a leader.

well, i haven't updated in a while. i guess i just don't have much of a desire to document my life on the internet anymore.

i graduated college today. i went from "yay free!!!" to "oh no" in a matter of minutes. most people go to college so they can get the shit over with and just get on with their lives. they think that life begins after they graduate. i kind of look at it the other way around.

i'm dead, you guys! and the economy sucks, so i'm dead and without a well paying job. oh no!

so, this week was a bust. i wrote approx. 22 pages for class, re-read the bluest eye, finished tess of the d'urbevilles, did a response paper and spent the last two days trying to understand math. emphasis on the word trying. i have an appointment to meet with my pre-calc professor tomorrow. it should be...interesting. i hope he's helpful, and not overly talkative like he normally is. we never get anything done in class because he goes off on tangents about the distance between the earth and the moon, or some random ass speech about engineering. math majors aren't going to GET to that point if they don't know how to do the actual math...

so, today i got frustrated and just played animal crossing: city folk for 5 hours. i made a set of braces for my character at the sable sister's shop, and started donating to the town. i still have 2 November fish to catch, a popeyed goldfish and a ray. if you want to visit my town just shoot me a message on here with your info. i'm ADRIAN of Hell and my friend code is: 1204-2733-2302.

i graduate in 2 weeks. i'm done with college in 2 weeks. right now it feels like such a relief, but the second finals are over i am going to fall apart. Ahhh...

for the last couple of days i have felt very weak, and i don't know whether it is because i am sick or because i am emotionally fed up and my body is giving in or what. people keep telling me that i sound nasal-y, so i assume it is the first option. either way, i have this really deep depression thing going on as a result of it. you know how when you're sick and you feel really disoriented? like, the entire world confuses you and you can't make sense of anything so you just pretend like you're not in the world at all? that's sort of how i feel. it is like i've forgotten how to function properly, and i'm just sort of going through the motions. maybe i've been sick for a while now, i don't know. i just feel way more lost than i normally am.

oh, and yesterday i went up to speak to my math professor about this sin/cosine stuff that i just DO NOT UNDERSTNAD and his daughter was with him. so i'm sitting there doing math and she walks up to me on all fours like a dog with a piece of paper in her mouth, lays it on my notebook and says, "here, this is for you." she drew me a picture. i said thank you, then she asked me, in a totally serious tone of voice, "do you like my hairrrrr?" it was the most adorable thing in the entire world. i wanted to turn into the biggest ~gay~ ever and just be like "grrrrrl u fierce", because she freaking is. but i didn't. i just told her that yes, her pig tails are very cute and that i loved the picture and would keep it forever. i still have it. it is cute. i love looking at kids art and trying to find insight into their minds. she drew some octopus-looking thing that was all covered in scribbles. what does this mean?

anyway, that's the only good thing that has happened to me all week. i'm not even counting obama getting elected because a bunch of anti-gay and anti-black legislation got passed/re-passed as well. i feel like half of me won and the other half of me lost.

okay so, i don't like to do political posts just because they seem rather pointless to me, but i'm going to say something about the recent obama assassination plot just because i feel obligated to do so.

first of all, what a primitive ass plan. and the white suits and top hats? i don't get it. were they referencing something? it just seemed very random to me.

all of that aside, i am not surprised. i'd be a liar if i said i were. however, i've met quite a few democrats who aren't voting for obama simply because he is black and fear that there will be an assassination plot. worst excuse not to vote. ever. if you're an anarchist and choose not to vote, i respect that. if you know nothing about politics and choose not to vote, i respect that. if you don't agree with any of the candidates stances, don't vote. that's fine. but if you're trying to halt progress by catering to a minority of white supremacist groups and letting hypotheticals persuade your decision, i do not respect that. don't choose not vote just because you think obama might die. he's not afraid, why should we be?

so go out and vote for whoever you want regardless of the reactions of others. that's all i have to say about that.

and i hope his possible election brings racial issues to the forefront of american politics. we need a rebirth of the civil rights movement to remind the world that black people are politically aware and do have goals. all of that has been brushed under the rug, creating complacency. these organizations still function, but with very little media attention. things aren't "okay" and they won't be until someone comes forth and addresses the issues. i think that is what obama is doing, even if that isn't is initial motive. he's creating awareness. if there is one thing that i can admire about the man it is that.

LOL @ the digression about the chrome garbage can from egypt...

today i saw a severed bird wing on the sidewalk. you could see the bone, so it had to have been there for a while. i just imagine some poor pigeon flying all lopsided and smacking into things.

what does it mean?

and this afternoon i emailed danny, since he hasn't tried to contact me. i'm weak. and stressed. and lonely.

today was terrible. i woke up with a cold, took cold medicine, was unable to understand cubic functions, took more cold medicine, zoned out, watched one of my peoples on project runway get eliminated, realized that next week i have to finish adam bede, study for a math exam that i know NOTHING about at all, start working on a paper for american literature, etc, etc, etc.

worst "day off" ever. i need more cold medicine.

but, on the plus side...my dad's drinking and drug abuse has landed him in the dog house. he still hasn't returned. he called my mom this morning at 8:30am to let her know that he was trying to get into a program up in bridgeport. he hasn't called back since, so i don't know what the fuck is up with him. but basically, my mom has said, "you can't live here anymore." and you know what? i don't blame her.

...

so, WE tv is airing specials on transwomen now. i'm actually really excited, though kind of skeptical of how they are going to be treated. i caught the tail end of a documentary about transwomen in jail that looked promising. i'm just glad that stations made specifically for women are picking up stories about transwomen. it shows acceptance. hopefully women watching will sympathize, and perhaps become more accepting themselves.

i read 100 pages of adam bede. so far it is okay. i'm completely lost in math again, and i have an exam coming up in 2 weeks. i'm very stressed about that. i felt really defeated for a couple hours, then i went to get my hair cut. the cute barber did my hair/beard. there is something so sensual about getting your beard trimmed by another man. i kept smelling his hands. they smelled like cigarettes. oddest turn on ever, i know. but good god, i want him inside of me.

danny still hasn't contacted me. i don't want to lose his friendship, and i really hope that it hasn't come to that. i've decided to let him have his space. he can initiate the conversation when he sees fit. i will be here, as i don't plan on dying until finals are over.

"Nigga you need to go to the FBI Stats...Educate yoself lil ass white boy....Fuck niggas always show dem selves....Real niggas dont use the word faggot...Ol lame ass nigga...You uh White Boy...Discussion ova Honkey.... "

i love my people.

dxm krew: i love how both the candidates
dxm krew: dance around the issue of gay marriage
dxm krew: palin is like in her high heels looking at it on the sidewalk like it is a piece of shit
dxm krew: going "omg omg ew ew"
dxm krew: and obama's VP who's name i don't even know
dxm krew: is like "well, i will sniff it but i won't eat it..."
dxm krew: and i'm like SOMEONE JUST EAT THE SHIT!!!
sutTEE PARTY: Divine for President

what are you reading right now to help you?
i don't read a damn thing. that's why i don't write music. i'm too cool to be reading and writing, i'm a very intelligent nigga. i can read like a motherfucka. i don't want motherfuckas to think i'm illiterate.

you're in college so...
i don't read, other than that shit.

but we talking about books for leisure.
nah, i've done that like once or twice. it's just not my thing. i'm not into made-up stories.

danny emailed me. that probably doesn't sound news worthy, but he hasn't been in contact with me at all lately. i've been worrying a lot about him. a while ago he lost his second job, so he has been trying to find another job without any luck. he has an apartment to pay for, his asshole ex/ex-roomate is trying to put him in a financial hole by refusing to comply with simple requests...so he's in a bad place.

when he doesn't email me i get paranoid and start thinking that he's either dead or over our friendship. i know that when i was suicidal, i distanced myself from everyone i could. i was reluctant to become close to my nieces because i didn't want them to miss me when i was gone. i don't know, maybe i'm just projecting. he's manic depressive and sometimes when he goes long stretches of time without answering my emails...i worry.

and i worry that i'm not entertaining enough for most people, including people that i'm friends with.

but he said he wants to call me this weekend, so everything is okay. crazy how our minds make these things up...

so, i have to write this paper on jane eyre and my brain is not cooperating at all. the rough draft is due monday, and i have a pre-calc exam coming up that i have to study for tomorrow. today just does not feel like a very productive day. my dad is blasting the television right next to me and i can't get any of my thoughts organized. i sort of feel like crying for some reason and i'm not sure why. i know i overreact to situations like this, and that others probably have it far worse. i just wish i could have like, 5 fucking minutes to myself (without having to read, toil over pre-calc problems or write papers) so i can clear my head. i feel so trapped in here. i need an out.

dxm krew: my dad is home
dxm krew: and i just found out this week
dxm krew: that
dxm krew: he is now in an outpatient program
dxm krew: i swear to god i want to
dxm krew:: kill myself so much
dxm krew: when i think about my life right now
dxm krew: no privacy, always doing school work...
dxm krew: i just want to kill everyone around me