"I think cumpig gives homosexuals a bad name." (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} cumpig) wrote,@ 2008-09-05 03:02:00 |
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ENTRY #146 - THE PROBLEMS THAT YOU SUFFER FROM ARE PROBLEMS THAT YOU MAKE, THE SHIT WE HAVE TO CLIMB THROUGH IS JUST SHIT WE CHOOSE TO TAKE
i feel like all i do is homework lately. last semester i found ways to allow myself time to have at least a little bit of fun. mostly because i blew off all of my math and biology homework/reading. this semester i don't even allow myself to have thursday nights free. i had to finish the first half of jane eyre for professor roden, which took about 6 hours. tomorrow it is the awakening for american literature, which i imagine will take at least another 6 hours. saturday is my all day pre-calc homework session (which, i probably won't understand without hours of reasearch...and even then i'll barely understand it). then i round off my weekend with an english response paper on the first half of jane eyre. i have to start planning for two papers coming up - one on a topic of my choice for victorian literature, the other on a set topic for american literature.
classes have been going fine. i feel completely alienated in my pre-calc class, but that is really nothing new. math and psych courses have always made me uncomfortable. usually i can tell from the first day whether or not i am going to be a loner and shy in the class. it is a mixture of the students, the way the classroom is set up and the course work that gives me that instant impression. i never had that problem with storhoff or roden classes, though. so english is going okay.
and i'm on a whole bunch of xanax. originally it started because i wanted to get some sleep, and to ease the tension. then i took 4 more because i just wanted to forget. danny's worried about me because i'm set on self destruct. banging my arm against walls, stabbing my arm with pencils/pens until blood runs down my arms, banging my head against the wall, cutting myself. i'm going to speak to dr. lepp about it tomorrow and see if he can't prescribe me some anti-depressants. i don't want to go back on them because they make me feel like a zombie and withdrawl is a bitch, but i am in a really unstable place right now and they might help. i've had little success with them in the past, but who knows? maybe this time around something will change. if not i can always have the worst withdrawl symptons ever and compensate by taking a bunch of benedryl/tylenol pm. that's what i did last time, as i spent the week sitting at home watching party monster 50 times in a row.
i can't stop thinking about the future, life after college. everyone keeps telling me not to worry about it, and that my grades alone with teacher recommendations can land me at least an internship, if not a job. the fact that i've been on the deans list every semester i've been in college is probably a more useful reward than i allow it to be. but i can't help but worry when i've been looking at the future as crap for the past 8 years. people don't just change their attitudes over night.
but sometimes i doubt i'm even human, so.
i feel like all i do is homework lately. last semester i found ways to allow myself time to have at least a little bit of fun. mostly because i blew off all of my math and biology homework/reading. this semester i don't even allow myself to have thursday nights free. i had to finish the first half of jane eyre for professor roden, which took about 6 hours. tomorrow it is the awakening for american literature, which i imagine will take at least another 6 hours. saturday is my all day pre-calc homework session (which, i probably won't understand without hours of reasearch...and even then i'll barely understand it). then i round off my weekend with an english response paper on the first half of jane eyre. i have to start planning for two papers coming up - one on a topic of my choice for victorian literature, the other on a set topic for american literature.
classes have been going fine. i feel completely alienated in my pre-calc class, but that is really nothing new. math and psych courses have always made me uncomfortable. usually i can tell from the first day whether or not i am going to be a loner and shy in the class. it is a mixture of the students, the way the classroom is set up and the course work that gives me that instant impression. i never had that problem with storhoff or roden classes, though. so english is going okay.
and i'm on a whole bunch of xanax. originally it started because i wanted to get some sleep, and to ease the tension. then i took 4 more because i just wanted to forget. danny's worried about me because i'm set on self destruct. banging my arm against walls, stabbing my arm with pencils/pens until blood runs down my arms, banging my head against the wall, cutting myself. i'm going to speak to dr. lepp about it tomorrow and see if he can't prescribe me some anti-depressants. i don't want to go back on them because they make me feel like a zombie and withdrawl is a bitch, but i am in a really unstable place right now and they might help. i've had little success with them in the past, but who knows? maybe this time around something will change. if not i can always have the worst withdrawl symptons ever and compensate by taking a bunch of benedryl/tylenol pm. that's what i did last time, as i spent the week sitting at home watching party monster 50 times in a row.
i can't stop thinking about the future, life after college. everyone keeps telling me not to worry about it, and that my grades alone with teacher recommendations can land me at least an internship, if not a job. the fact that i've been on the deans list every semester i've been in college is probably a more useful reward than i allow it to be. but i can't help but worry when i've been looking at the future as crap for the past 8 years. people don't just change their attitudes over night.
but sometimes i doubt i'm even human, so.
