CUMP!G

ENTRY #? FUCKITILOSTTRACK

2009-12-15T17:33:13Z

I just got back from having my cement retainer reglued. I hadn't seen Dr. Repicci in probably 5 years now, and he's always been really nice to me. He never charged my mother a dime for any of the dental work he's done on me, including the monthly check-ups on my braces, the retainer fittings, the retainer replacements, and the cement retainer glue renewals. in general, he's a pretty decent guy.

After he renewed my glue we started talking about school, English literature and my plans for the future. I told him I'm a research assistant for the time being, to build up my resume, and started explaining my overall duties and the topic, which is basically sexological queer studies. He didn't realize "queer" was an acceptable term and asked me if I thought homosexuality was an abnormality. I told him it was not and he said he'd like to challenge my view. In my head I turned into mo'nique -- "Oh Hell No!" He basicalky said that homosexuality is an entirely acceptable abnormality, and is only an abnormality because homosexuality doesn't lead to procreation. I folded because I didn't want to argue a point that, for me, could end in blood shed and me paying for dental work that my insurance won't cover. So I'm going to vent here with a few points.

-The point of life is not procreation, the earth doesn't care if humanity sees tomorrow. Humanity is a plague that has destroyed the earth and erased entire species. Frankly, I think that encouraging procreation has done more harm than good, especially if you consider things like over population and suburban sprawl. In the end, procreation will probably contribute to what destroys us all.

-Women are not uteruses, and men are not sperm donors. Please stop reducing humanity to a single function. There are heterosexual men and women who choose not to procreate, and there are also men and women who physically cannot. Does this make them abnormal? No. Does that make them less human? No. That just makes them incapable of attributing to an already excessive population.

- If queers are not considered normal, we are certainly exceptional. We challenge traditional gender roles and escape the oppressive laws placed onto wo/man by "God", the government, and heteronormative society. By doing so we encourage people to embrace themselves as they are instead of blindly following established ideals of normality. We are, in fact, redefining what it is to be normal by simply existing.

Why are most Doctors so damn conservative in their views?

ENTRY #171 - THIS POST IS NSFW!

2009-09-20T18:09:48Z

art or pornography?

ENTRY #170 - THE GAY "COMMUNITY" - 31 (FINANCIAL DISTRICT)

2009-05-27T04:48:30Z

"It really does exist. That scary skank black pnp bear on the upper west side. That strange troll on East 83rd Street who posts constantly in pidgin English. The throat fucker who wants to brutalize you with his rutabaga penis. That muscular Italian cum dump guy whose innards must look like a semen smoothie. All the fantasists with Pinocchio dick: it gets bigger the more you lie. Don't you feel like you know them by now? Who needs Stonewall when you have Craig and his magical List?"

ENTRY #168 - SAME OLD SAME OLD

2009-05-03T04:39:59Z

went to the career center and came up with a short term plan that i'm going to really have to push myself to go through with, because i'm very depressed and lonely at the moment. i'm going to try and volunteer for the time being at hospitals and the red cross, alongside some shitty part-time job that i'll hate and will give me just enough money to get into the city on my days off. i want to try volunteering at a LGBTQ center in the city, because i'll never meet other gay men unless i put myself out there. and i want to meet gay men, fall in love, and be part of a community. so, i've been trying to stay positive about my situation, even though i'm inclined to self-destruct when life throws shit in my face. it isn't easy, but i've been fighting myself for the past week and it got me to at least create a plan of action. i'm still not sure what i want to do "when i grow up", but i'm beginning to realize that no one is entirely content with their jobs. they just do them for money, and because that is what people are supposed to do.

in other news, i might meet up with this guy from stamford (met him via manhunt.com) for some Gay Sex on monday. if i die of AIDS 8 years from now, well...that's just a fringe benefit. in all honesty, i'm really afraid of the whole situation. i created a personal on craigslist earlier in the week, seeking out a guy that might want to have some NSA oral sex. a couple guys replied, but mostly from the city. the closest guy was a 55 year old from white plains new york. he wanted to meet up, take me back to his place, and fuck my face. i had everything just about set up, but then i got sick to my stomach and started vomiting. since then, i've created profiles on 2 major cruising websites. i'm obsessed with the idea of sex to the point where i've lost track of who i am as a person. i'm looking to lose myself in some random, possibly dangerous situation because my sense of control is too strong for me to function properly.

thedigitalpunk: Im not really saying you HAVE TO get laid, but you need to take a huge step just so you can get some realistic perspective on things
thedigitalpunk: and I tell you what, life is ALL about making mistakes...
thedigitalpunk: you make a mistake and you grow

i think this all boils down to the fact that i am lonely and desparate for affection. i want to remedy my feelings so i'm taking two separate routes to achieving that goal. i'm not sure which will kill me first...we'll see.

ENTRY #167 - I HATE FEELING THIS WAY

2009-02-06T08:57:36Z

i still have no job, no social security card, and i've done absolutely nothing about it. instead, i've spend countless hours playing animal crossing over wifi, to the point where i don't even sign on to check my emails anymore. most people probably think i'm Dead...

i have a crush on this guy sam that i game with. he's from the UK and he's really sweet. i think everyone should have UK accents, because they're just Nice to have. but i hate having crushes because most of the time (read: all of the time in my case) they never amount to anything but day dreaming. i mean, what the hell am i supposed to do with someone who lives overseas? move to the UK? i thought the same thing with danny: it would be great to move to a foreign country and have a boyfriend...but it isn't exactly realistic. i don't even like the idea of moving a couple miles away from home, because the responsibility is overwhelming. it would be pretty cool to visit, though...if i could gather myself mentally and get a job.

ugh, i'm going to die an old virgin, living with my mother and alcoholic father. idk why i'm not more of a danger to myself...

ENTRY #166 - I'M DARBY CRASHHH

2008-12-21T03:08:03Z

if you're looking for something interesting to read, head over to alice bag's blog. she's was the singer of the bags. i've posted entries from her blog here before, but there is one in particular that i think everyone who calls themselves a fan of the LA punk scene should read: diary of a bad housewife: conversations with bobby (aka darby crash).

first of all, i would like to say that i thought what we do is secret was a fucking terrible movie. really awful. i sort of can't believe that the germs backed that horrible piece of crap film. it just failed to grab me on any emotional level, and i felt that while his sexuality was obviously addressed, it was entirely understated to the point where they might as well have just left it out of the film altogether. i was hoping to get more insight into darby crash's life and theory, but instead i was offered a series of anecdotes about how the germs are ~fascists lol~. the film just lacked any sort of depth or intellectual skeleton, so it came out as a loose blob of dumb-surface Dog Shit.

so yeah, i'd definitely recommend taking 15 minutes to read alice's bag's blog about darby, rather than seeing that film. save your money and buy something meaningful.

so yeah, i don't agree with a lot of what darby had to say about humans needing leadership and how good leadership didn't necessarily go hand-in-hand with moral responsibility. i mean, i guess i partially agree with the points he made about morality being a social construct, but at the same time i don't feel like hitler was a "good leader" despite his lack of common decency. to me, that completely excuses his actions as a "leader". i've always said that, yes, hitler thought that what he was doing was noble, and therefore he was good within his narrow little world -- but once he began forcing his ideas onto others he lost the (very slight) sense of "dreamer" innocence that he originally possessed.

but i suppose it is easy to argue the points of a dead man who can't defend himself. i doubt i could tolerate darby crash, just like i probably couldn't tolerate genesis p-orridge for more than a couple hours. cult leaders fascinate me, but i have no particular desire to be near them, or follow them. i'm not looking for a leader.

ENTRY #165 - DONE WITH COLLEGE

2008-12-13T02:28:04Z

well, i haven't updated in a while. i guess i just don't have much of a desire to document my life on the internet anymore.

i graduated college today. i went from "yay free!!!" to "oh no" in a matter of minutes. most people go to college so they can get the shit over with and just get on with their lives. they think that life begins after they graduate. i kind of look at it the other way around.

i'm dead, you guys! and the economy sucks, so i'm dead and without a well paying job. oh no!

ENTRY #164 - THANKSGIVING VACATION.

2008-11-30T07:22:06Z

so, this week was a bust. i wrote approx. 22 pages for class, re-read the bluest eye, finished tess of the d'urbevilles, did a response paper and spent the last two days trying to understand math. emphasis on the word trying. i have an appointment to meet with my pre-calc professor tomorrow. it should be...interesting. i hope he's helpful, and not overly talkative like he normally is. we never get anything done in class because he goes off on tangents about the distance between the earth and the moon, or some random ass speech about engineering. math majors aren't going to GET to that point if they don't know how to do the actual math...

so, today i got frustrated and just played animal crossing: city folk for 5 hours. i made a set of braces for my character at the sable sister's shop, and started donating to the town. i still have 2 November fish to catch, a popeyed goldfish and a ray. if you want to visit my town just shoot me a message on here with your info. i'm ADRIAN of Hell and my friend code is: 1204-2733-2302.

i graduate in 2 weeks. i'm done with college in 2 weeks. right now it feels like such a relief, but the second finals are over i am going to fall apart. Ahhh...

ENTRY #163 - generation y bother?

2008-11-08T05:04:17Z

for the last couple of days i have felt very weak, and i don't know whether it is because i am sick or because i am emotionally fed up and my body is giving in or what. people keep telling me that i sound nasal-y, so i assume it is the first option. either way, i have this really deep depression thing going on as a result of it. you know how when you're sick and you feel really disoriented? like, the entire world confuses you and you can't make sense of anything so you just pretend like you're not in the world at all? that's sort of how i feel. it is like i've forgotten how to function properly, and i'm just sort of going through the motions. maybe i've been sick for a while now, i don't know. i just feel way more lost than i normally am.

oh, and yesterday i went up to speak to my math professor about this sin/cosine stuff that i just DO NOT UNDERSTNAD and his daughter was with him. so i'm sitting there doing math and she walks up to me on all fours like a dog with a piece of paper in her mouth, lays it on my notebook and says, "here, this is for you." she drew me a picture. i said thank you, then she asked me, in a totally serious tone of voice, "do you like my hairrrrr?" it was the most adorable thing in the entire world. i wanted to turn into the biggest ~gay~ ever and just be like "grrrrrl u fierce", because she freaking is. but i didn't. i just told her that yes, her pig tails are very cute and that i loved the picture and would keep it forever. i still have it. it is cute. i love looking at kids art and trying to find insight into their minds. she drew some octopus-looking thing that was all covered in scribbles. what does this mean?

anyway, that's the only good thing that has happened to me all week. i'm not even counting obama getting elected because a bunch of anti-gay and anti-black legislation got passed/re-passed as well. i feel like half of me won and the other half of me lost.

ENTRY #162 - CHOOSE NOT TO VOTE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS

2008-10-28T04:07:54Z

okay so, i don't like to do political posts just because they seem rather pointless to me, but i'm going to say something about the recent obama assassination plot just because i feel obligated to do so.

first of all, what a primitive ass plan. and the white suits and top hats? i don't get it. were they referencing something? it just seemed very random to me.

all of that aside, i am not surprised. i'd be a liar if i said i were. however, i've met quite a few democrats who aren't voting for obama simply because he is black and fear that there will be an assassination plot. worst excuse not to vote. ever. if you're an anarchist and choose not to vote, i respect that. if you know nothing about politics and choose not to vote, i respect that. if you don't agree with any of the candidates stances, don't vote. that's fine. but if you're trying to halt progress by catering to a minority of white supremacist groups and letting hypotheticals persuade your decision, i do not respect that. don't choose not vote just because you think obama might die. he's not afraid, why should we be?

so go out and vote for whoever you want regardless of the reactions of others. that's all i have to say about that.

and i hope his possible election brings racial issues to the forefront of american politics. we need a rebirth of the civil rights movement to remind the world that black people are politically aware and do have goals. all of that has been brushed under the rug, creating complacency. these organizations still function, but with very little media attention. things aren't "okay" and they won't be until someone comes forth and addresses the issues. i think that is what obama is doing, even if that isn't is initial motive. he's creating awareness. if there is one thing that i can admire about the man it is that.

ENTRY #161 - SNACKS = SEX??

2008-10-21T20:58:55Z

LOL @ the digression about the chrome garbage can from egypt...

ENTRY #160 - CAW CAW

2008-10-14T03:57:05Z

today i saw a severed bird wing on the sidewalk. you could see the bone, so it had to have been there for a while. i just imagine some poor pigeon flying all lopsided and smacking into things.

what does it mean?

and this afternoon i emailed danny, since he hasn't tried to contact me. i'm weak. and stressed. and lonely.

ENTRY #159 - MORE WAHHH FOR YOU.

2008-10-09T03:15:08Z

today was terrible. i woke up with a cold, took cold medicine, was unable to understand cubic functions, took more cold medicine, zoned out, watched one of my peoples on project runway get eliminated, realized that next week i have to finish adam bede, study for a math exam that i know NOTHING about at all, start working on a paper for american literature, etc, etc, etc.

worst "day off" ever. i need more cold medicine.

but, on the plus side...my dad's drinking and drug abuse has landed him in the dog house. he still hasn't returned. he called my mom this morning at 8:30am to let her know that he was trying to get into a program up in bridgeport. he hasn't called back since, so i don't know what the fuck is up with him. but basically, my mom has said, "you can't live here anymore." and you know what? i don't blame her.

...

ENTRY #158 - I AM TIRED

2008-10-08T08:12:01Z

so, WE tv is airing specials on transwomen now. i'm actually really excited, though kind of skeptical of how they are going to be treated. i caught the tail end of a documentary about transwomen in jail that looked promising. i'm just glad that stations made specifically for women are picking up stories about transwomen. it shows acceptance. hopefully women watching will sympathize, and perhaps become more accepting themselves.

i read 100 pages of adam bede. so far it is okay. i'm completely lost in math again, and i have an exam coming up in 2 weeks. i'm very stressed about that. i felt really defeated for a couple hours, then i went to get my hair cut. the cute barber did my hair/beard. there is something so sensual about getting your beard trimmed by another man. i kept smelling his hands. they smelled like cigarettes. oddest turn on ever, i know. but good god, i want him inside of me.

danny still hasn't contacted me. i don't want to lose his friendship, and i really hope that it hasn't come to that. i've decided to let him have his space. he can initiate the conversation when he sees fit. i will be here, as i don't plan on dying until finals are over.

ENTRY #156 - A COMMENT BY ALLINYADAMNFACE2 ON YOUTUBE

2008-10-05T21:37:33Z

"Nigga you need to go to the FBI Stats...Educate yoself lil ass white boy....Fuck niggas always show dem selves....Real niggas dont use the word faggot...Ol lame ass nigga...You uh White Boy...Discussion ova Honkey.... "

i love my people.

ENTRY #155 - EXACTLY

2008-10-03T23:09:50Z

dxm krew: i love how both the candidates
dxm krew: dance around the issue of gay marriage
dxm krew: palin is like in her high heels looking at it on the sidewalk like it is a piece of shit
dxm krew: going "omg omg ew ew"
dxm krew: and obama's VP who's name i don't even know
dxm krew: is like "well, i will sniff it but i won't eat it..."
dxm krew: and i'm like SOMEONE JUST EAT THE SHIT!!!
sutTEE PARTY: Divine for President

ENTRY #154 - AN INTERVIEW I DID RECENTLY

2008-09-27T17:47:48Z

what are you reading right now to help you?
i don't read a damn thing. that's why i don't write music. i'm too cool to be reading and writing, i'm a very intelligent nigga. i can read like a motherfucka. i don't want motherfuckas to think i'm illiterate.

you're in college so...
i don't read, other than that shit.

but we talking about books for leisure.
nah, i've done that like once or twice. it's just not my thing. i'm not into made-up stories.

ENTRY #151 - SAY

2008-09-23T02:31:59Z

danny emailed me. that probably doesn't sound news worthy, but he hasn't been in contact with me at all lately. i've been worrying a lot about him. a while ago he lost his second job, so he has been trying to find another job without any luck. he has an apartment to pay for, his asshole ex/ex-roomate is trying to put him in a financial hole by refusing to comply with simple requests...so he's in a bad place.

when he doesn't email me i get paranoid and start thinking that he's either dead or over our friendship. i know that when i was suicidal, i distanced myself from everyone i could. i was reluctant to become close to my nieces because i didn't want them to miss me when i was gone. i don't know, maybe i'm just projecting. he's manic depressive and sometimes when he goes long stretches of time without answering my emails...i worry.

and i worry that i'm not entertaining enough for most people, including people that i'm friends with.

but he said he wants to call me this weekend, so everything is okay. crazy how our minds make these things up...

ENTRY #150 - GOING CRAZY.

2008-09-21T00:11:52Z

so, i have to write this paper on jane eyre and my brain is not cooperating at all. the rough draft is due monday, and i have a pre-calc exam coming up that i have to study for tomorrow. today just does not feel like a very productive day. my dad is blasting the television right next to me and i can't get any of my thoughts organized. i sort of feel like crying for some reason and i'm not sure why. i know i overreact to situations like this, and that others probably have it far worse. i just wish i could have like, 5 fucking minutes to myself (without having to read, toil over pre-calc problems or write papers) so i can clear my head. i feel so trapped in here. i need an out.

dxm krew: my dad is home
dxm krew: and i just found out this week
dxm krew: that
dxm krew: he is now in an outpatient program
dxm krew: i swear to god i want to
dxm krew:: kill myself so much
dxm krew: when i think about my life right now
dxm krew: no privacy, always doing school work...
dxm krew: i just want to kill everyone around me

ENTRY #149 - WILLIAM FAULKNER

2008-09-18T19:32:56Z

this morning i had an appointment with professor storhoff to go over my paper on huckleberry finn. the entire time i kept looking up at this poster of william faulker that he has in his office. wow, what a hottie. i never really noticed before, but he's very handsome. i wanna do him. too bad he's dead....

ENTRY #148 - "ART THEORY" BY ADRIAN MILLS

2008-09-15T06:14:16Z

so, today i went to the metropolitan with my victorian literature class. we had to look at some exhibit by some guy named turner and apparently dude is really popular, because the place was packed. i kind of hated all of his work so i whizzed through that exhibit pretty fast. victorian art in general is boring to me. ohhh, realism. your painting looks like a photograph...fascinating? you paint nature to rebel against industrial culture? how conservative... i guess it was interesting to the victorians. you probably had to sit like 5 hours for one head shot or something silly like that, and escaping the city may not have been an option for all. i'm just not moved by realism in general.

so, it was the the hottest, most humid day ever. i broke a sweat just leaving the door, so my entire museum visit i was worrying about any offending odors i might be giving off. i also wore this shirt where my nipples sort of show underneath the fabric, and they wouldn't allow me to bring my bag in so i had to position my notebook over my nips. in that crowd of people i started to panic a bit, both because of the amount of people and all of this physical stuff going on. so, instead of spending 3 hours in the turner exhibit looking aimlessly for something interesting to write about, i went over to the book station where everything in the exhibit was basically in book form. since i hated the art, i just looked at the book for half an hour and took some notes so i could write my response paper.

i don't know, the upper east side is weird. at the met (yeah, i am now ~a new yawka~ so i can say things like "the met") there is this mixture of old, upper east side people who are "cultured", and random ass, fashion forward art school kids who dress the part. going through the turner exhibit i started looking at both groups of people and their reactions to the pieces. it was really funny. everyone was seriously contemplating the artistic meaning behind turners's depiction of trees and hilly fields. i'm so glad that i don't go to these places often, because i very obviously do not fit in. i mean, i spent the day hoping i would run into chuck bass, how cultured could i be?

i did enjoy the modern art exhibit, though. there are some warhol silkscreens in there. never thought i would see an actual warhol piece in person. same goes for picasso. there was this huge honey-comb looking metal piece that greeted me at the entrance of the modern art section and i thought, "FINALLY - I HAVE ARRIVED. MY PEOPLE!" i spent a majority of my time there, actually. it was refreshing. i was pissed that it was so muggy, though. there is a roof top display that looked really interesting. giant sculptures of animals...and i missed it....

on the train ride home christina, amber and i pictochatted. none of us had ever done it before, so christina broke it in with a shockingly realistic looking penis. victorians, take note! this is art.

oh, and at grand central i saw this scene kid who couldn't have been more than 12 years old. people in the city are so different...

ENTRY #147 - NOT IN THE MOOD FOR A TITLE ATM, SORRY.

2008-09-13T07:55:40Z

i spent 6 hours doing pre-calc homework, which incidentally is nothing more than algebra review. that's just 6 hours for one assignment. i get two a week, meaning i spend approx. 12 hours doing math each week. it is becoming quite a hassle, mostly because i am retaining next to nothing and half the time i get the wrong answers or have to interpret the answers in the back of the book.

today i realized that i have the first draft of a 5 page paper due on the 23rd. i'm thinking about doing the paper on jane eyre, but i'm not sure yet. i'm beginning to worry. that date may seem like a far way off, but next weekend i have to start preparing for a pre-calc exam. i'm going to the math tutor center for some extra help, since professor husu is of no use to me. he's very scatter brained. it isn't that he doesn't care, it is just that his office hours conflict with my classes, and he has a very mathematics way of explaining things that i just don't understand. i need someone to baby me when it comes to math, since i've forgotten the basics. i don't even know how to do division without a calculator anymore, and i still count on my fingers. i never even learned my times tables...

tomorrow i'm writing a paper on huckleberry finn on the issue of racism. it isn't the most original idea, but it is one of the set paper topics that we have to write about, so i don't really have a choice. i'm not sure which side i am taking yet. there is the view point that twain humanizes jim and redefines the word "nigger" through that humanization. on the other hand, the last 30 pages of the book basically makes jim look like a "nigger" in the more traditional, less flattering sense of the word. plus, the class issue is iffy, as a number of well-to-do characters in the novel also happen to use the word "nigger", right alongside the lower class characters like huck.

and what is it with the word "nigger"? why is everyone in class so afraid to say it when discussing this novel? they dance around it by saying "n-word", completely ignoring the context in which it is being spoken. newsflash, everyone knows what you mean when you say "n-word". i'm offended when people carelessly throw it around too, but academic discussions are an entirely different context.

anyway, Sunday i will be in new york city visiting some museum. it was a last minute field trip professor roden had to throw together because the exhibit won't be there next week. i'm stressed because i don't really speak to people in the class. normally his field trips are a lot of fun. last semester we went to some german museum, and tabitha, cathy and lashon spoke to me quite a bit. that was at the end of the semester, though. things are much different by the end of the semester, you get to know people in the class a little bit better and don't feel on guard around them. or, at least, i don't.

and i'll be entirely honest, i feel very dumb when surrounded by people in both my american literature and victorian literature classes. everyone is so profound, and everything i think or say in relation to the texts is stupid surface analysis. there is this kid andrew in my american lit. class who remembers every little detail from every book he reads. it is crazy. i envy people like that, who have really good memories. i begin forgetting things directly after i read them. usually i forget things while i'm reading them. it is embarrassing, because as an english major i'm expected to dissect these books that i can't even recall.

blah, i should go to bed. i am making myself get up at 11:30 so i can start planning for my huckleberry finn paper. i'm just procrastinating, i guess. sleep should be a welcomed comfort this semester, since i've lost interest in everything else. danny hasn't been emailing me because he's busy, and really the only other person i speak to online at the moment is mikey. everyone else is always away. i don't want to watch television, don't want to play video games, don't want to do anything. i just want to sit in silence and/or stress about school.

i might go to spectrum's GLBTQ support group this wednesday, if i can make the time. it is highly doubtful that i will be able to, but who knows? it is my last semester and if i don't do something about that pretty soon, i will have nothing to look back fondly on. it will be like high school all over again...

ENTRY #146 - THE PROBLEMS THAT YOU SUFFER FROM ARE PROBLEMS THAT YOU MAKE, THE SHIT WE HAVE TO CLIMB THROUGH IS JUST SHIT WE CHOOSE TO TAKE

2008-09-05T07:02:30Z

i feel like all i do is homework lately. last semester i found ways to allow myself time to have at least a little bit of fun. mostly because i blew off all of my math and biology homework/reading. this semester i don't even allow myself to have thursday nights free. i had to finish the first half of jane eyre for professor roden, which took about 6 hours. tomorrow it is the awakening for american literature, which i imagine will take at least another 6 hours. saturday is my all day pre-calc homework session (which, i probably won't understand without hours of reasearch...and even then i'll barely understand it). then i round off my weekend with an english response paper on the first half of jane eyre. i have to start planning for two papers coming up - one on a topic of my choice for victorian literature, the other on a set topic for american literature.

classes have been going fine. i feel completely alienated in my pre-calc class, but that is really nothing new. math and psych courses have always made me uncomfortable. usually i can tell from the first day whether or not i am going to be a loner and shy in the class. it is a mixture of the students, the way the classroom is set up and the course work that gives me that instant impression. i never had that problem with storhoff or roden classes, though. so english is going okay.

and i'm on a whole bunch of xanax. originally it started because i wanted to get some sleep, and to ease the tension. then i took 4 more because i just wanted to forget. danny's worried about me because i'm set on self destruct. banging my arm against walls, stabbing my arm with pencils/pens until blood runs down my arms, banging my head against the wall, cutting myself. i'm going to speak to dr. lepp about it tomorrow and see if he can't prescribe me some anti-depressants. i don't want to go back on them because they make me feel like a zombie and withdrawl is a bitch, but i am in a really unstable place right now and they might help. i've had little success with them in the past, but who knows? maybe this time around something will change. if not i can always have the worst withdrawl symptons ever and compensate by taking a bunch of benedryl/tylenol pm. that's what i did last time, as i spent the week sitting at home watching party monster 50 times in a row.

i can't stop thinking about the future, life after college. everyone keeps telling me not to worry about it, and that my grades alone with teacher recommendations can land me at least an internship, if not a job. the fact that i've been on the deans list every semester i've been in college is probably a more useful reward than i allow it to be. but i can't help but worry when i've been looking at the future as crap for the past 8 years. people don't just change their attitudes over night.

but sometimes i doubt i'm even human, so.

ENTRY #145 - HAVE YOU TAKEN ASTRONOMY?

2008-09-02T21:47:37Z

so, pre-calculus is killing me. i'm thinking about switching into introduction to astronomy, but i'm afraid because i don't know how math is used in astronomy. plus, it still has the math 101Q (college algebra) prereq. it is unfair that they require algebra for all of these classes when a majority of people haven't had it since high school, unless they paid to take the math 101Q course they offer, which gives you no credits towards your degree.

plus now i will have to deal with a whole new kind of stress -- the "i've missed three classes, how am i going to catch up!?" stress. not to mention the "this class is closed, can i convince the professor to let me over enroll?" stress.

hopefully astronomy will be better than pre-calculus...the astronomy professor has nice ratings on all of the professor rating sites. i know, stupid reason to be considering the course -- but i'm all out of options!

has anyone here ever taken an introductory astronomy course? what do you remember? was the math particularly hard? was it like a class full of math with very little fun stuff like the verbal understanding of stars, their alignments, history, etc? i really hope there is some scientific history involved - like on the history channel!

ENTRY #144 - TL;DR (too long, didn't revise)

2008-08-27T20:08:07Z

so, shitty week. Sunday night i got two hours of sleep, Monday i took a 3 hour nap, and then ended up sleeping 3 hours before i had to wake up at 7. last night, i slept 7 hours, and went to the doctor. i tried to explain to him that my stress and anxiety is keeping me from sleeping, but he's eternally optimistic. he keeps telling me that my weight is fine at 190lbs and that everything is going to turn out okay, but he doesn't live as me.

in professor roden's class he had us do introductions. there are only about 10 people in the class, and 3 of them weren't there. he wanted to know what our major is, what our aspirations are, fun things we did for the summer and what we think of when we hear the word "victorian." everyone else seemed to have great answers. one girl went back home to jamaica for the summer to spend time with her family, another person went to maine and spent a week relaxing in seclusion. sean moore went somewhere with miles of road between him and civilization and just soaked up his surroundings. here were my answers:

major: english
aspirations: none
fun things i did this summer: watched a bunch of television on dvd, didn't leave the house.
victorian literature: the first thing i think about is the opening line from party monster where seth green says, "testing, testing, testosterone, testicular cancer, tess of the d'urbevilles."

when i down played my summer plans and said that everyone else went somewhere and i didn't go anywhere, professor roden was quick to come to my aide because he knew i was going to slip into some sort of self-deprecating mood. he said that whereas everyone else had an external journey this summer, mine was internal. then he compared me to the victorian middle and upper class men, who spent their leisurely time obsessively reading literature and indulging in other worlds and cultures from the safety of their own homes. he said i watch television like the victorians read novels, and that's okay. it made me feel a little bit better.

then there was this really awkward moment at the end of class where i was feeling defeated and he asked me how i was...i said fine. then there was the silence. and i sort of just walked away. just as i was about to turn the corner to leave he asked if i was going home to watch more television, and i said that i had nothing else to watch because target was sold out of dawson's creek season 4, and i really just want to go to sleep (i was secretly thinking "and never wake up"). i think everyone in the class thinks i'm crazy with a capital K, and i wish i never threw in that "they were sold out of dawson's creek" line because that just made me sound even more depressing.

Tuesday i had a panic attack in the stairwell on my way to american literature. it was right after pre calc, surprise surprise. the professor never teaches. he digresses every chance he gets, and now he wants us to tell us what we know about a bunch of mathematics terms. he said he expected 20 pages of work by this Thursday. the entire class looked around at each other shocked, and i'm pretty sure 90% of them have since dropped the course. i don't have that luxury, i have to suffer through this last semester knowing i have very few options for adding/dropping courses. so i'm stuck in a class with a professor who doesn't adequately describe anything and would rather spend half of the class time going back and forth to the xerox machine as the social students in the class attempt to teach each other and i just sit there in the back of the room in near tears.

i was 10 minutes late to american literature because i stayed after class talking to the math professor, who was no help. in professor turnoffs' class, 4 tardiest are equal to one absence, and he will drop your grade if you miss more than 2 classes. he doesn't care that it is a

so, i have to read jane eyre (600 pages) in 2 weeks, huckleberry finn (250 pages) by Tuesday, 97 pages in my MATH book by tomorrow and all i want to do is watch reading rainbow and cry. yes, that actually happened. i'm completely incapable of crying for myself, but the second a bunch of kids start talking about organizing to aide victims of war and natural disaster i can't stop the water works.

i'm beginning to not care. yesterday i read 125 pages for american literature, then spent the rest of the evening watching television and listening to music. alice practice came on and i started just dancing out of nowhere, even though i was really tired. it felt therapeutic, even though i hate crystal castles.